I was sittin' on the throne - like ya do - and I was thinking about some things, namely about writing.
I was working on a piece for a comm recently, and no matter what I did it wasn't right. Not at all. And I couldn't figure out why. One person I showed it to gave me an idea about what was wrong with it, that I moved too fast, transitioned from one thought process to another with little character discovery. Okay, I said, I can work with that. But clarifying that change just made it all the worse - and it wasn't great to begin with. Second beta nipped it in the bud, saying that I had so much going on in the beginning but none of the information had a purpose other than filling and taking up word space. Her advice to me - after she stopped midway through the story (and thank god she did, because it really nailed what the problem was with the whole thing: a lack of feeling) - was to figure out what I wanted to say with the information I was puking up at the beginning and just say it. Then focus on the characters. Okay, I did that, and ended up scrapping about 60% of what I'd originally written. Turns out the fic was better for it.
But her advice has got me thinking, seriously, about why I write, what I write, and what I think I have to say when I write. And you know what, I'm finding that I really don't have a hell of a lot to say, and that is SCARY. Because I like the process, I really do. Playing with words, putting them together to evoke images and feelings - that's the good stuff, moving people with words. But at the same time, There's no purpose other than that - or at least no original purpose. And, even though this is probably the worst thing I can do as a writer, I find myself judging that purposelessness as inferior.
If you don't have anything to say, Chelle, then don't say anything at all. This is what my brain, and my sensitive ego have come up with. There's nothing new under the sun; I don't have anything original to say about any given character I write, so why write at all? Whats worse is that when I do have something I want to express, lately I've been telling myself that it isn't worth writing about. Take for instance something I want to say about John and Rodney in SGA. I think, given the events leading up to the s3 finale, that John would be one to comfort Rodney, and for once, Rodney would be comforted. Hell yeah, that'd make an interesting fic in and of itself, without sex or slashiness or porn or what have you. just John and Rodney sharing condolences about their friend. I think I could do that, and do it pretty well. But I won't. Why? Because, according to my brain, no one else but me wants to read that mess, and it's pretty pointless anyway. It's never going to happen on the show, I'm never going to get to see that kind of interaction between the characters, so it's, ultimately, not real.
In the above scenario, I have a point I want to make. I have a situation I want to explore and make some determination about the characters as I'm doing it, but I'll never write it because it's worthless. But here's the catch to that. If I don't have anything to say about the characters, if I don't really have anything worthwhile to communicate, and just want to write them smecksing it up, well. That's beneath me. *snooty nose here* Why even write if you're not exploring something? This is the question I've been asking myself, and it's literally stayed my hand at the keyboard.
I read things like![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
sweptawaybayou's Tattooed Horses and I'm absolutely blown away by her exploration of Lindsey and his perception of the world and the things he wants. I could do that - I have done that. With Xander. Maybe not in as dramatic a fashion, and maybe with less literary skill, but not with less emotion or significance. But lately, even if I want to do that - explore a character's psyche - I can't. I can't pinpoint what I want to say. I don't have anything new to add to the discussion. I don't have any insights that someone hasn't already explored and done a much better job than I could ever do. I've had my word processor open constantly for the last two weeks, fiddling with writing, but literally not being able to get anything to stay on the page.
I don't know. Maybe I've run out of things to say. Maybe I've lost that new shininess. Maybe I'm intimidated by the fact that despite 31 years of living, I've nothing unusual or unique or different or even interesting to say. What do you do when you get to that point? What measures can I take to break through this feeling telling me that nothing is important, that nothing I say is going to mean anything ever?
This is my cosmic question. This is what I put out there to the interwebs today. Help me. Help me find my voice again. Help me be relevant again, in a way that I wasn't before. I promise not to squander it this time.
I was working on a piece for a comm recently, and no matter what I did it wasn't right. Not at all. And I couldn't figure out why. One person I showed it to gave me an idea about what was wrong with it, that I moved too fast, transitioned from one thought process to another with little character discovery. Okay, I said, I can work with that. But clarifying that change just made it all the worse - and it wasn't great to begin with. Second beta nipped it in the bud, saying that I had so much going on in the beginning but none of the information had a purpose other than filling and taking up word space. Her advice to me - after she stopped midway through the story (and thank god she did, because it really nailed what the problem was with the whole thing: a lack of feeling) - was to figure out what I wanted to say with the information I was puking up at the beginning and just say it. Then focus on the characters. Okay, I did that, and ended up scrapping about 60% of what I'd originally written. Turns out the fic was better for it.
But her advice has got me thinking, seriously, about why I write, what I write, and what I think I have to say when I write. And you know what, I'm finding that I really don't have a hell of a lot to say, and that is SCARY. Because I like the process, I really do. Playing with words, putting them together to evoke images and feelings - that's the good stuff, moving people with words. But at the same time, There's no purpose other than that - or at least no original purpose. And, even though this is probably the worst thing I can do as a writer, I find myself judging that purposelessness as inferior.
If you don't have anything to say, Chelle, then don't say anything at all. This is what my brain, and my sensitive ego have come up with. There's nothing new under the sun; I don't have anything original to say about any given character I write, so why write at all? Whats worse is that when I do have something I want to express, lately I've been telling myself that it isn't worth writing about. Take for instance something I want to say about John and Rodney in SGA. I think, given the events leading up to the s3 finale, that John would be one to comfort Rodney, and for once, Rodney would be comforted. Hell yeah, that'd make an interesting fic in and of itself, without sex or slashiness or porn or what have you. just John and Rodney sharing condolences about their friend. I think I could do that, and do it pretty well. But I won't. Why? Because, according to my brain, no one else but me wants to read that mess, and it's pretty pointless anyway. It's never going to happen on the show, I'm never going to get to see that kind of interaction between the characters, so it's, ultimately, not real.
In the above scenario, I have a point I want to make. I have a situation I want to explore and make some determination about the characters as I'm doing it, but I'll never write it because it's worthless. But here's the catch to that. If I don't have anything to say about the characters, if I don't really have anything worthwhile to communicate, and just want to write them smecksing it up, well. That's beneath me. *snooty nose here* Why even write if you're not exploring something? This is the question I've been asking myself, and it's literally stayed my hand at the keyboard.
I read things like
sweptawaybayou's Tattooed Horses and I'm absolutely blown away by her exploration of Lindsey and his perception of the world and the things he wants. I could do that - I have done that. With Xander. Maybe not in as dramatic a fashion, and maybe with less literary skill, but not with less emotion or significance. But lately, even if I want to do that - explore a character's psyche - I can't. I can't pinpoint what I want to say. I don't have anything new to add to the discussion. I don't have any insights that someone hasn't already explored and done a much better job than I could ever do. I've had my word processor open constantly for the last two weeks, fiddling with writing, but literally not being able to get anything to stay on the page. I don't know. Maybe I've run out of things to say. Maybe I've lost that new shininess. Maybe I'm intimidated by the fact that despite 31 years of living, I've nothing unusual or unique or different or even interesting to say. What do you do when you get to that point? What measures can I take to break through this feeling telling me that nothing is important, that nothing I say is going to mean anything ever?
This is my cosmic question. This is what I put out there to the interwebs today. Help me. Help me find my voice again. Help me be relevant again, in a way that I wasn't before. I promise not to squander it this time.
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